Fight or Flight

"Now many signs and wonders were done among the people through the apostles. And they were all together in Solomon’s Portico. None of the rest dared to join them, but the people held them in high esteem. Yet more than ever believers were added to the Lord, great numbers of both men and women,"

Acts 5:12-14

I'm about to enter my third and final year at Duke Divinity. In the past 700 or so days, I've learned that this whole thing I've gotten into is a lot more difficult than I had expected. Yes, I've struggled with my own personal problems of faith and living during my time at Duke, but I think the thing that is most daunting is imagining what is to come when I leave the confines of the divinity school...

As graduation is less than a year away now, I'm starting to get questions about what I'm going to do when I am finished. This is a tough question to answer, but one that needs to be asked nonetheless. I'm aware of how much I've changed in the past two years, and how that has changed the way I will serve when the time comes (hopefully not too long after May 2012). I wonder about my ability to serve in a way that I understand to be faithful, loving, and formative. Honestly, the thought of doing all that scares me because I'm not sure I can or will.

This may sound a little odd. Wouldn't that be the goal of all clergy/church staff? I should certainly hope so. But my concern is in really doing those things as I understand them...in all situations and contexts. It could cause problems. And I'm afraid it's just going to be too hard. This clip from A League of Their Own captures what I'm feeling:

http://youtu.be/ndL7y0MIRE4 [fair warning: there's a 4-letter word]

The passage above immediately follows the story of Ananias and Sapphira... a story that suggests to me how serious this whole following Christ thing is. People were in awe of the apostles, and hesitated to join in the ranks, never mind count themselves among the apostles- the leaders of the church. And so I feel even more hesitant. Overwhelmed. Unprepared.

But I find hope in the words of Jimmy (Tom Hanks) when I apply them to my understanding of my vocation, or job. Ministry is what gets inside me. It lights me up. It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it (again, the Acts passage). The hard is what makes it great.

So I'll keep moving, even when it seems too daunting a task. Your move, friends.

Unexpected Company

Yesterday I preached at my field education placement church. As I made announcements before the service, I noticed a familiar face, but I couldn't quite place the face. During the greeting time/passing the peace the familiar face made his way to me. He asked, "So you're the student intern this summer?" I answered, "Yes I am." He replied, "Nice to meet you, I'm ___ _______." Immediately I realized that this was a pastor of one of the 10 largest UMC churches in the US, that I've participated in studies using his curricula in the past. He explained that he was on vacation and that he worshiped with this congregation when he was in the area. We exchanged pleasantries and then worship resumed.

"Then Jacob woke from his sleep and said, ‘Surely the Lord is in this place—and I did not know it!’" Genesis 28:16

During the next few minutes, I felt my nerves start to work on me. How could I, a seminary student that has yet to take the required preaching course to graduate, offer a sermon that could be worth speaking to someone of his experience? After I allowed my mind to race a little bit, I realized the text I was preaching on: Jacob's encounter with God. I also remembered one of the thoughts I'd had during the week of preparation that made it into my sermon: "...we ought to be awed...when we encounter God breaking in to our reality."

My mind started to shift from the VIP in the second row to the fact that I was failing to be awed by the presence of God in worship because of this person's presence. I was allowing myself to be nervous about speaking to a congregation including him, instead of being nervous about the fact that I was speaking about God. I felt foolish, but also comforted. I feel the sermon went well, especially after I had a moment of conviction for myself.

I ought to be more awed by the time I spend with scripture. It's presence and words should be allowed to make me feel uncomfortable and inadequate. But I, like Jacob, can trust in God's promise to "be with" me. (Gen. 28: 15; Matthew 28: 20)

Why I rise early.

I'm not a morning person. I would say I never have been, but that would be a lie. As a child, I used to wake up at 7am almost automatically. Then the teen years hit and I was able to sleep in. Now, I guard the few days a week that I'm able to sleep in.

But there are certain things that get me out of bed early. When school is in session, I rise early enough to enjoy a cup of coffee, a short devotional reading, and some time reading the Bible. I'm a slow mover in the morning, and I enjoy having time to wake up without needing to function in an interactive way (translation: roommates are usually still asleep, so no need to talk when I'm groggy). I've also realized that my days have a rhythm to them, and it's often hard to get a time that is uninterrupted by school work, text messages, phone calls, emails, classes, or people.

This summer, I'm interning at a church in western North Carolina. When the summer began, I went over the weekly schedule with the pastor. He mentioned a group of men that get together at the church on Friday at 7am to study scripture. Then he told me, "You don't have to be there, but you're welcome to come." I thought I'd show up the first couple weeks, just to see and be seen, but I've come to enjoy it. It provides a unique opportunity for fellowship and learning. I'll never be able to learn as much as the men in that room have at their disposal. There are too many backgrounds, experiences, educations, and vocations. It's humbling to hear the way they speak about and understand scripture. I'll never be able to understand how they understand. But I can sit with them, listen to them, speak with them, and learn from them.

Scripture is rich. It has many layers. It speaks to us about where we've come from. It speaks to us where we are. I could use the different perspectives. I could use the wisdom.

"Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens the wits of another." Proverbs 27:17